Ashley

PHOTO: Me & Ashley modeling Aunt Linda's wigs

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Valentine's Day was projected to be a hard one this year. Despite my efforts to find a great party or source of entertainment (i.e. distraction), I came up with nothing. I was anxious to sleep in late so as to minimize my hours of consciousness (like I do on fast Sunday to minimize my hours of hunger... can I admit that? Am I bad?) After a trip to Costco Optical to alleviate my blindness, I hit up a matinee with a friend. The movie of choice was Taken. I give high recommendations on par with Sneakers, The Fugitive, Pelican Brief, and Behind Enemy Lines. It was a great movie. Then it was over and I was alone with sadness creeping in. I got home and Christy, the relative I'm living with, invited me to go with her to visit Ashley, her 15-year-old granddaughter. Ashley is under lock down at a Psych Hospital after a suicide attempt last week. This has been her third one in the last 15 months.

Visiting hours only last for 30 minutes so we were waiting outside the door five minutes before 7:30-the appointed time for visitors. It was sobering to walk in and look around at the young girls there and consider the pain that they feel and are feeling. In talking with Ashley and listening to her, it put into perspective my own problems. So many of her feelings I could empathize with. And how frustrating it is that I can't just reach into her world and take her out of her scary thoughts; the anger and the self doubt. I wanted to take her out of there and go throw rocks off the pier or walk around downtown Disney; any time-filling activity to distract her from the nightmares that are so alive in her. I don't know what I'm trying to say other than when I left, I was happier inside. Does this seem strange? I was happier to realize my own good circumstances and mental well being. After tonight, I'm resolved to seek out others in pain and relieve them and I'm inclined to confess that I have been thinking about myself me me ME and mine far too much. I don't want to live for myself. I want to take people out of their holes of sadness that are so bitter and seemingly endless to them. I've been so frustrated with myself and my inability to let go of what I despise about myself. I give up. Maybe if I just stop trying so hard to fix me and focus instead on giving.. serving.. all those verbs of selflessness, I'll have that change and win healing from helping.

It seems so strange to have enjoyed that experience. But I did. I love you, Ashley.