Ready to Run

I'm on my brother's computer and found this little clip from St. George. It's of Jess and I pulling into the city center at the end of our first marathon. Don't we look energetic? I'm so excited to run Ogden! I can hardly allow myself to hope that it will meet up to what St. George was, though. I can't say enough about how much I enjoyed that experience. Notice in the clip my sister-in-law, Whitney, holding a sign to encourage me along. You can hear Eric yelling like crazy in the background. He never let up and I love him so much for it. And then you can hear my mom whoop and holler and then (my favorite) tell me she loves me. I think she said 'I love you' at least five or six times in the span of 50 meters. So endearing and a perfect vignette of this mother-daughter relationship we have.

Every time I reflect back on that race, the support I received from my family kind of blows me away. To them it might have seemed so simple, but to me it meant so much. It was cool enough they were even there. But they weren't just passive observers; They were engaged supporters meeting me at every point they could to cheer me on. I hope in heaven I can relive that experience. Truly it is in the top ten of life experiences.

Coming up in May is the Ogden Marathon. I'll be running it with my very best friend, Michelle Kruzie German! Along with her, my partner in crime, Jessi Venable! Also Kiley Kruzie, Danielle Davis, Brittany London, and Anna Eschler! A whole caravan of friends are coming up from Austin and it will be epic. Not only am I running it with a group of stellar girls, I'm running it as a Huntsman Hometown Hero in honor of Sarah Hays Shurtz who passed away of cancer in November. I would be thrilled if each of you joined my efforts to raise $500 before race day by donating. Sarah was a runner herself with a 3:31:00 marathon PR. And at only 30-years-old when she died, I think she had even faster times in her.

If you would like to donate to this cause (even $10 would be appreciated) follow this link to my personal page: Personal Donations Page

Sarah Hays Shurtz Obituary: View Sarah Shurtz's Obituary by Salt Lake Tribune

Book Review: The Happiness Project

Okay, this isn't a book review. I'll take the pressure of myself and just call it 'my thoughts on happiness.' (Calling it a book review makes me feel inadequate and strangely speechless.)

I'm not a girl who is apt to give flowery adulations to anything without inserting also my complaints. (You can imagine how well this lends itself in relationships.) Rest at ease, I consider this a character flaw in myself and am at present making good faith efforts to fix it. I'll prove it. This is all I have to say about the book, The Happiness Project: It was well worth my time to read, gave me thoughts and ideas that yielded long hours of introspection, and I believe I am better for having read it.

If you haven't heard about this book, this is it in a nutshell: A highly educated woman (married with two children and living in New York) sets forth to see if she can make herself feel happier- elevated from the state of already fairly happy- by strategically focusing on doing certain things each month. She records her experience and offers her suggestions and perspective.

Finishing this book, I imagined what my own happiness project would look like. As I did so, I realized I'm playing by a slightly different set of rules to happiness than Gretchen Rubin simply because of my religious beliefs. In pursuit of happiness, I am actually in pursuit of worthiness.

Last week, as I was preparing for church on Sunday, I read in the George Albert Smith manual the following statement: "The happiest men and women that you know in the world are those who are conforming their lives to the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ." Please try not to gasp, BUT... I don't even know how to put this... I don't know this is true. I know a lot of very, very happy people who are not conforming their lives to the gospel and I know many who are and are quite miserable. I do believe that ultimately, those who follow God's plan will enjoy the greatest happiness. I just don't believe that it is apparent while we're living. (I imagine myself reading this post a few months down the road and wanting to edit it because I've developed a whole new perspective. Oh, well. As of today, it stands.)

I've had this epiphany several times in my life- that it is exactly because I believe what I believe and want what I want that being happy sometimes eludes me. The most obvious example: I am alone and struggle with feelings of unfulfillment consistently. I am sure these feelings would choke me less if I didn't believe in and desire most to be a wife and mother. (Why do I feel embarrassed writing this down.) Or would I be as harrowed up by my blaring imperfections as I am if I were not in pursuit of 'conforming my life to the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ.' I feel self-conscious, grief, disappointment, discouragement in this pursuit. Not high-flying, endorphin-surging, overwhelming happiness. Am I the only one?

Don't misunderstand me. I don't fantasize about letting go of my religion and living unencumbered by these "rigid rules and commandments." Being better is my passion and hobby. What else could force me to devote an entire weekend day to it and pull me to my knees daily for it? I don't want you to respond with encouraging examples of the ways that living the gospel saves me from the trials in the world. I get that I'm avoiding lung cancer by not smoking and STDs by not having sex.

What does John 15:2 mean? "Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away; and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit." Jill Davis suggested this means that those who do good are added upon with trials to be better. This makes sense. Nobody I know that runs is running to stay average. Everyone is yearning for the next step and the time when their body can do more, push harder, be stronger. So we increase our workload by degrees.

A friend explained that he had a mission companion who believed that a person could always be happy and tried in his way to live somewhat of a "Pollyanna" existence. But, my friend pointed out, even Christ was "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" and these feelings are in the plan for us.Is this a discouraging thought? It can be, but I'm also aware that "the pain now is part of the happiness later." Later isn't only referring to eternity. It's referring to greater measures of happiness in this life.

Is hope the same as happiness? I believe I have a brighter hope than my non-member friends. Especially in terms of my expectations for marital relationships and family. I actually feel bummed out sometimes listening to them talk about dating. It seems so shallow and empty to me. They hope for so little. My hope is so bright because of my beliefs. (I mean seriously, my hope is eventual Godhood... what is brighter than that?)

While I confess to bouts of sadness and occasional tears, I anxiously report that generally I feel exquisitely happiness. It's grown since I moved to Salt Lake (mostly because of the many friends I've made and the little life I've carved out for myself here.)

Oh, flatter me!

"None are more taken in by flattery than the proud, who wish to be the first and are not." Benedict de Spinoza (1632-1677) Dutch Jewish philosopher.

This post is inspired by a thought that came to me while viewing the Mormon Message, "Voice of the Spirit." Have you seen it? I'll post it at the end of this guy ("this guy" referring to this blog post.)

The gist of the video is an answer to the posed question, "What voice are you tuning in to?" Among the different kinds of voices suggested was "flattering voices." The imagery shown in the video to compliment flattering voices is a boy rolling through the neighborhood on a skateboard with headphones in. He coolly bobs his head as he whizzes past an old man strolling down the side-walk.

Punk music is a flattering voice, huh? I tried to understand what's flattering about the music we listen to. I guess I would agree that most music on the radio is generally celebrating ourselves. No matter what you did- you cheated, you lied, you got angry- the song justifies it and brings pride to the behavior. I guess that is pretty flattering. Nothing you feel you're out-of-place for feeling. Much different than a good friend that will listen and then set you straight, a good song will agree with you in every grievance. You feel upset and like taking revenge? You go girl! Make him suffer! You love a married man and are seeking him out? That totally makes sense! You shared something special with him! You're happiness is most important anyway! Do it! You get the idea. Think about almost any song. They are flattering to your own emotions, right?

I had a funny experience listening to the radio a while ago. I told my sister about it because of how distinct and surprising it was. I would say this took place back in June. I had made a marked effort to "tune out the world," so to speak, and had been listening to only Sunday stuff… conference, mormon channel, classical music, MoTab, etc. One day after work, I climbed into my car and decided I'd had enough of all the churchy stuff and flipped the station to some pop radio. Within the minute I had it on, I had this knee jerk reaction of being repulsed. The phrase that went through my head was, "This is not my gospel." I would equate this experience to your national news radio station of choice suddenly broadcasting what North Korea has playing in every home. You would immediately recognize the sentiments and politics as "not my country." You'd probably be a little repulsed you had almost trusted in it without thought. So yeah, the juxtaposition of gospel principle based audio to today's pop music was intensely revealing to me. I was a little amused at how off guard that experience took me.

Beside the flattery of music and that it teaches a lot of the doctrine of Satan, music holds another power. You can tap into any emotion almost instantly by listening to a particular song. It's almost like a drug. And, like a drug, this power must be used carefully. For example, sometimes it feels good to allow yourself to feel sad… or to wallow. But wallowing can only be allowed for a short period of time (depending on what you're grieving.) I have go-to sad songs I call on in moments of true despair. One, Kristy recently introduced me to, is "Fool of Me." I don't even have to be sad for this song to reach back and harrow up something painful to recall and melodramatically focus on while I listen to it. (Insert: Something you should also know about me is I practice crying on the spot. Why? Because don't you think that's cool?! To be able to shed tears on demand without reason? Shanna and I practice together. We can be in the middle of a conversation when either of us interjects, "Crying contest. Go." And we both grimace our faces and focus on the floor. The first to shed a tear wins. Laugh now, but this talent may land me an Oscar someday.)

When I'm asked what kind of music I like, I always feel a little bit stumped. I'm inclined to answer, "everything" because I feel like I pull from just about every genre (except that really dark stuff.) In fact, I blew out a speaker in my Subaru while listening to Def Leppard's "Let's Get Rocked" somewhere on the spiderweb of California freeway. Sometimes I feel like loud, angry music with a good strong bass can actually beat a bad mood out of me. When you can physically feel the vibration of a beat in your heart, few things are better. My dream car has a list of requirements. At the top of that list is a cool fabric interior (like herringbone? …wait, that's what I have now) and a tricked out sound system (the opposite of what I have now). My choice of music for running is kind of strange. The typical gym anthems drive me crazy. Any pop, actually, discourages my athleticism. I run really well to chill, chill music. I'm talking Yo-Y-Ma-Norah-Jones-John-Meyery chill. Music you could take a nap to. It seems like it would be counter productive, but calm music is the perfect antidote to exercise anxieties and I feel like I breath better and run strong when I'm relaxed. Upbeat stuff just stresses me out. (Minus a select few songs… that is, DNVO. Love that one for running!) No surprise I can't listen to any music when I'm racing. I hate the distraction. Yeah, me and my competitive racing. I'm just so picky about my running conditions. When titles are on the line, you kind of have to be.

Speaking of song and music, I've been trying to compose a list of my all-time favorite songs. When I get board at work (which is never! …okay, it's fairly often), I open up my excel spreadsheet of favorites. Lists I am now compiling are: favorite movies, favorite songs to karaoke to, favorite life experiences, and travel destinations I hope to visit someday. I think you all would be really entertained to see my favorite songs to karaoke to (They are not the same as my favorite songs at all.) But I'll leave you with a short list of a few of my favorite songs:

• I Believe In You and Me, Whitney Houston (from The Preacher's Wife)
• Peel Me a Grape, Diana Krall
• How Deep is the Ocean, Diana Krall
• Plenty, Guru featuring Erykah Badu
• The Rain from Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons" (performed by Turtle Island String Quartet on the Winter's Solstice IV album)
• Have You Seen Me Lately, Counting Crows (acoustic version)
• Butterflies, Michael Jackson
• They Can't Take That Away From Me, Frank Sinatra (duet version with Natalie Cole)
• DNVO, Justice
• The Water is Wide, Charlotte Church
  
• Like an Angel Passing through My Room, Sissel Kyrkjebo (from MoTab's Spirit of the Season album)
• Impossible, Anberlin
• Wonderboy, Tenacious D
• Blackbird/I Will, The Swingle Singers
• Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap
• Calling My Children Home, Emmalou Harris (live version)
• Opening: The New World, Songs for a New World
• (And the dirtiest, worst, most deplorable songs that I love…love to dance to, I can't mention here because it will forever dirty my name. But call me, and I'll give you the scoop.)

There was a time with each of these songs when I would listen to them on repeat for days and sometimes weeks.

Tale as Old as Time

(Anna, Jess, & Michelle rockin' their glasses. Cute girls.)

Something very exciting took place last night: We viewed in the theater Beauty and the Beast (in 3D... which really I don't care about.) I loved it so much! This was the movie of my girlhood. I remember watching it for the first time in the theater when it came out. I was with Anne, Aimee, Stephen, and my little brother, Eric. I remember all the parts we laughed at and I remember all the parts of the movie we acted out on the way home that night. Lumiere's "Hello" to Maurice as he's ascending the spiral staircase up to the tower. The classic "You look so, so... " "Stupid." We rolled in laughter at that one. My mom bought me the cassette tape for my birthday and I would listen to it when I went to bed. To this day, I can recite the entire prologue at the beginning word for word, which I graciously did for the girls last night on the car ride over. =) They loved it. Especially Jess. She was captivated. A sampling? Okay. Ahem. Once upon a time in a far away land a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's... (Okay, seriously. Do you believe me now? I know all of it.)

So now I'm older and of course it is just a children's story and just a Disney movie. But I'm going to be honest, this insensitive girl got teary at two parts of the movie! The first was when the beast fought off the wolves and then fell down into the snow. Yep, I shed a tear out of each eye. And then, at the end when the beast is transformed into his body. Got just a little teary then, too. I love the theme of redemption in this movie. I think when the beast fought off the wolves for Belle, it reminded me of how it's so hard not to love a good heart. In spite of everything. In spite of the yelling and rudeness and pain he caused Belle, in that moment his true colors came shining through. And then the end, it's pretty self explanatory why that tugs at my heart strings, right? In that moment, I identify with the beast. I think probably we all do. We all look forward to the day of our redemption.

Go see it again. Such a great story.

Knowing is Half the Battle

Tonight the girls and I hit up Karaoke Cafe. This has become a Monday night tradition... our own little FHE, if you will. We decided to pick a theme for the night: Sad, heart-brake songs-love gone wrong. Oh, man. I was close to tears before we even started! (Which is the goal of these songs.)

I love Shanna and Kristy for a number of reasons. Not last among those is how easily I can confess to them. There is something about being a girl that makes it next to impossible to hold shameful, guilty feelings inside- as stupid or miniscule the reason is for having them. We have to confess them! (How many times has a friend muttered under her breath what she paid for a new pair of shoes I complimented her on? She just had to confess!) And I love that I have Shanna and Kristy to hear out all the things that ail me.

Tonight's "confession" was from me. All three of us felt very sad for the predictament. I felt and feel awful. Sometimes I'm soooo dumb! Does it ever happen that the worst of yourself meets together in a Bremuda Triangle at the worst possible time? I hate disappointing people I care about. Uhhh! So, why do I feel calm right now? (Karaoke is therapeutic?) Why does this dust-of-the-earth humility feel good? *thinking* Just a guess: 1.) I feel protected from future bad choices of this sort. 2.) I learned a lot about myself and where I am which is helpful to know exactly how I need to move forward. 3.) I feel willing to accept the come-what-may because I'm so humbled.

I wrote a letter to Ryan today. He comes home in only two months! After responding to his letter, I set about to give an accounting for my life since he always asks for one. Without effort at all, I could only report how happy I have felt lately. Honestly. I feel really happy. Even when I'm sad, there is an underlying happiness. Perhaps I'd been under a cloud for a long time and am now coming back to normal life. Whatever the case, I love it. It's been growing for a couple years now, and I attribute it to the power of the atonement. I sometimes hesitate to post my "church talk" on my blog because I wonder if those who stumble on my blog will understand and respect the place that it is coming from. I'd hate to think that my honest and most personal feelings would be sneered at. Anyhow, I love discovering how the atonement can change my heart and feelings. I love discovering how much I need it; how desperately I need it. Life really is a sort of game about chasing feelings. Where would I be without joy? Without all the deep and sincere feelings the atonement allows me to have?

I keep thinking about the concept of knowing something. I think 'know' is like the word 'love.' There should be a million different words to describe the nuances within each that are not apparent in the flatness of one, single word. We don't throw whole trust into these words when they're used because we don't know where on that spectrum this 'love' or this 'know' came from. Consider the phrase "ever learning and never able to come to a knowledge of the truth." This makes so much sense to me right now. And it makes me feel like an idiot because I have been the subject of such a description. I have been crystal clear on something and had that clarity reaffirmed so many times, but when a window of doubt opens- a loop hole- I jump right through to that place where I don't "know" and try to doddle in the mire of neivity. But no matter how hard I try to stay neive and deny my level of "knowing," I'm forcefully shoved out of that comfortable place by experience. I cannot stay there no matter how hard I try. I openly confess this only because I am confident that each of us deals with a level of this within ourselves. It really is epidemic. For example, (an extreme example) it is common knowledge the harmful effects of pornography on family and society. However, the industry is exploding. Why? Because the powers that be "know" but will not "know" (i.e. claim to know) for the purpose of being able to shirk responsibility. Or, a less severe example: You identify a bad habit that you've casually maintained for years. When it comes down to it, you clearly see it is not good for you to keep up this habit. But you reason with yourself that it's not so bad and you wouldn't be all that better off without it. Beside, you aren't actually sure if anything would substatially improve if you overcame said habit. God must be aware of this disease among us: Not choosing to know and claim that we know.

Jail House Blues

Suddenly, I've been dancing a lot lately! ...perhaps as a distraction more than anything. (It's kind of like how as soon as I got 'promoted' at work and had tons of work to do from home, I was going running more diligently than ever.) Anyhow, I'm back in the Swing Scene and am all on fire again with dreams of traveling to Lindy exchanges and possibly competing. I LOVE SWING DANCING! There are so many reasons why I feel it is the superior dance form (in the vein of partner dancing.) I won't go into it here but PLEASE watch the video below and consider that this is completely un-choreographed! It's all lead and follow genius. Superior??? I think so. And how cool is it that this dance form was invented here in America?! Very cool.

Bleeding for Love

It’s been some time since I’ve logged on to my blog. It’s been a nice break. But I miss writing so here I am again. I took a writing class in college (which- come to think of it- everyone takes a writing class if they go to college) and I remember the teacher explaining how you need to “let yourself bleed onto the paper.” What I think she was getting at is we need to reveal ourselves in our writing- we need to be honest- for it to be good... for it to be at all enjoyable (or enlightening) for the reader. I think that’s why I haven’t been blogging. Bleeding on my blog is just too revealing; I haven’t been up to spilling on here all the things that have been going on... all the things I’ve been feeling.

I recently discussed with my roommates how every time I recall bawling in front of them the night the earthquake/tsunami hit Japan, I emotionally feel the same as though I were recalling being naked in front of a crowd... I feel all exposed and uncomfortable; I feel embarrassed. And it’s kind of funny to me that in complete honesty, I really feel so awkward to have lost it in front of them like I did. It makes total sense that I did! And I think they totally understand that! Nevertheless, it has still left me feeling stripped naked.

Blogging sometimes does that to me. In a moment, I say so much. I bleed on here. And later, I wonder why I posted my vulnerability. But somehow, it is always the thing that I come back to write about.

So, I’m reading a romantic fiction right now and I’m just a few pages until the end. The main character, Ashley, holds back a lot in her dating relationship and her love interest, Matt, has a really hard time finagling her to let him in. (That’s, of course, the CliffsNotes to the CliffsNotes version.) Although I felt a little exasperated while reading it by how simplistic her trouble is (that is, the ‘why’ behind her holding back), I couldn’t help but identify with Ashley because this was the complaint/grievance I got from “the last one.” That I hold back... and hold back... and hold back. I’m only saying this because I’m asserting that what is true in writing must be true in relationships. You have to bleed before the other for emotional closeness. I’ve never really thought about it this way.