A Good Day & A New Year

I had an excellent Sunday. I slept in way too late, felt exceptionally attractive after getting ready for church, enjoyed church, and spent the whole rest of my day reading a book my mom recommended, The Help. I am guessing it's a problem that when I feel "unpretty" or have "the fat uglies," as Marsha Green used to call them, I am generally sour for the day. I don't socialize and I'm negative. Perhaps God knew this when he blessed me with a reasonably thin body. I don't think I'd do well with a weight problem... which makes me respect those that struggle with fatness. I'm getting off topic. I really enjoyed church today. Nate Justis gave the lesson and I always feel he puts exceptional effort into preparing for his lessons. It's not that he presents a lot of facts or offers thoughts creatively, I think it's simply that he sincerely has a deep desire to have the Holy Ghost present and he puts a lot of effort into making that happen. I appreciate that. I was asked to take a few minutes and share how Christ has brought light into my life. I thought over it a bit and thumbed through my scriptures. When the time came for me to deliver, I stood up and, without feeling the least bit nervous, kind of stumbled over some thoughts and half-baked enlightened realizations. I don't think it made a lick of sense. It's disappointing to me because I used to be a good speaker. I remember when I was younger and even in high school the amount of preparation I put into talks or lessons. Even when I lived in Texas and taught Relief Society, I always felt I did a really good job. I don't know what changed, but I think I'm a horrible speaker now. It is true that I don't prepare like I used to. But I also believe that I feel less motivated and less inspired to do so than I used to. Another example of my failings is this: My niece, Chloe, asked me to speak at her baptism last week. What an honor! Of all the aunts and uncles and grandparents and parents, she picked me! But like a moron, I don't really prepare anything. I think about it while I'm driving through a snowstorm to get down to Orem. After 2 1/2 hours on I-15, I arrive at the church 30 minutes early. Chloe greets me with a hug. I ask her if she has a piece of paper and a pen because I need to write down a talk to give. Anxious to help, she reaches under her chair and from out of her puffy, pink, down coat pulls out a folded up piece of computer paper. Pleased with herself, she informs she brought it in case she got board she'd have something to draw on. Ooooh, that warmed my heart! The foresight! I scribble some notes down and the same scenario happens: It's my turn to deliver and I stumble over a few thoughts and offer up lack-luster verbiage to express my testimony in a shaky voice. I'm a little ashamed of myself.

I think in general conversation, if I admitted that I felt like my testimony was dull or that I didn't feel the fire I used to, I'd be hushed and reassured that it wasn't the case. But here, on the blog, nobody has the opportunity to challenge or quiet me. So, I hereby declare that I'm a little weaker in spirit than I used to be. Which is the perfect segue into my next thought....

Don't you hate resolutions? "The start of a new year is the traditional time for us to take stock of our lives and see where we are going measured against the backdrop of where we have been. However, I don't want to talk to you about New Year's resolutions per se because you only made five of them and you have already broken four. I give that remaining one about another week." (Spoken like a true Elder Holland.) Definitive, concrete, and measurable resolutions are easy. I often watch Biggest Loser and am impressed by the transformation people make by losing weight. Wouldn't it be neat if we could witness such transformations of our soul? My sister refers to her "evil self" as Carnal Katie. So, what if a Carnal Katie could loose X amount of "evil"? What would the exercises entail? How often would she "weigh in"? And at the end of 2011, how could she judge her progress? It kind of seems like a fun idea. Instead of grueling work-outs in the gym, I think we'd have tiring exercises of service... sometimes that almost made you feel bitter because you were sacrificing so much. Anywho, I decided against writing a list of resolutions because the goals I have are already my goals anyway. The only thing I am committing to is taking stock of my heart everyday by meaningfully reviewing "the 20" by Elder Busche I recently posted. I think that if I focus on having the spirit everyday as though it were my soul focus of 2011, that everything else will come easier... the exercising, the ambition, the kindness, etc.

(Just a note, my New Years Eve was so fun, I'm yet sore from dancing so much. Oh my word, I literally danced holes in my socks.)