I know I've been MIA for over a month and I don't have a good excuse. I just haven't felt like blogging. I've had ample time and plenty of momentous events, just no interest. Why? I usually love blogging!
I watched "When In Rome" with my sister the other day and although it's a total chick-flick, I gleaned a little insight from it. The main character, Kristen Bell, gets totally drunk while attending her sister's wedding in Rome, feeling deep despair over her love life. Thoughtlessly, she takes coins out of the famed Fountain of Love which- as legend says- if you take a coin out of the person who threw it in will fall in love with you. When she returns home to a band of men who obsessively dote over her, she couldn't be more confused. At the end of the movie she one by one dismisses each guy explaining that they aren't really in love with her, they're just under a spell. As she returns their coins to them, the spell is broken and you see their character change. The men remember what they were like and what challenges they faced before they were in love. Being in love enabled a wannabe artist to paint great, giant murals (of Kristen Bell, of course) or in John Heder's case as a magician, to finally do magic tricks in public. Each of them was something dramatic and fantastic while they were in love. She gives comfort to them by reassuring, "you will find your muse" and be inspired again.
And that was a lot of background for me to say, I've lost my muse... well, what's the masculine form of muse? I have not a love interest in the world and while it's nice not obsessively wondering about anyone or wishing for anyone to call, I suddenly realize how uninspired I've felt lately. That's why I haven't been blogging. I need a "muse." Or I need to be somebody's muse, "goddess divine." I need someone to refer to me as, "my pearl."
I remember falling in love with a guy over a year ago and how lit up I was in every aspect. I suddenly found deep meaning in and connected to every love song I heard! I was dreaming big dreams with full expectations. I could have written a book of poetry in one night! I could have crossed the Sahara willingly without a drop of water and smiling, just thinking of him and how perfect everything was- how beyond expectation and hope everything was. Everything was in my reach. But funny how when that love is snuffed out, all the enlightenment and inspiration goes with it too and life is just a monotonous cacophony of all that is irritable and barely tolerable. (Barely tolerable? My word choice is sounding so Elizabeth Bennett today.) There can be good things happening but without a love, they mean nothing. I hesitate to recognize this, being all single and 27 as I am, but everything we do in life is empty without relationships. And I'm not referring to romantic relationships only. As humans we depend on making emotional connections and being nurtured by them. The best job in the world could never spark the slightest satisfaction without another human to share joy with. No possession would yield joy without an emotional connection. So I shouldn't think it strange how turned off I am lately to all things requiring inspiration. As a designer, I may have chosen the wrong field. Hopefully, something handsome comes around the corner before August 9th, my first day of work as a bona fide fashion designer.
I've had great things happen the last month that I have been looking forward to for years! And I love that. I have high hopes for what the next few months will bring. And yet, I quietly grieve to be so alone. I've been living at home in a huge house with not a soul (except Bucky, the beagle) to talk to for over a month now. Maybe that's making me so aware of my uninspired state. It's kind of interesting that it doesn't really matter what other people feel for you, if you don't feel for someone else, it does nothing for you.
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