Is it the weather?

I've felt a little gloomy this past week. As is usually the case, it must be a combination of things. Top among those things are loneliness. Yes, I'm lonesome for the relief of companionship. I even miss just being hugged or snuggling next to someone. I'm not satisfied to stave off these feelings with empty relationships either. I've come to the decision that I'm holding out for the authentic from here forward. I've had it once.

Katie (the sis) and I were talking about the evolution of dating culture as you migrate to an older singles scene. She suggested that men in this older stage of dating fall into two groups: those who are unjustifiably lax with kissing and give themselves far too much liberty with what is and is not appropriate because they've "been around the block" before and really aren't anxious for commitment; and then those who are disappointingly stiff about signs of affection (such as hand holding and kisses) and feel they have to be totally into the relationship to have any give, plus they're usually kind of boring guys and not playful at all. I don't really think that a guy will fall into either of these categories but it does highlight the extremes of a spectrum.

I seem to most often find my-dating-self with the likes of the former category. I'm attracted because they are fun and unconditionally accepting (as self-conscious as I tend to be, this is very relieving for me to find.) But I excuse them ultimately because they really aren't as straight (i.e. obedient?) as my heart seems to demand they be. Where are the good exceptional guys? I'm half tempted to throw my hands in the air and exclaim, "There aren't any!" But I know this isn't the case. Truth be told, I'm wrongly too afraid of the "straight-laced guys"... and I can't really say why. Maybe I'm afraid of being bored or rejected for not being good enough. So I'm stuck denying one type for not meeting up to standards and avoiding the other group because it's uncomfortable to me for reasons I don't quite understand.

Today I concluded that I'm a doubtful person. I second guess myself far too often. When I'm around someone in a bad mood my primary response is inward, "What did I do?" I assume I'm being annoying before I assume someone is being irritable. When someone says something negative about another person I start thinking, am I like that? What sad thought processes. I hope I can change it. I don't know what's worse, this or having an insanely big ego and impervious to lessons of humility.

I guess what I'm getting at is I'm not really as secure as I think I am. I can be too sensitive and avoid dating because I'm afraid of dating situations (i.e. afraid of feeling uncomfortable.) I guess feelings of security ebb and flow. And you can't ever really capture it and put it in your pocket hoping to maintain it that way forever. But obtaining that security is uber important. It goes back to what I said about being unselfish. If we rely on other people to provide our security by being in a good mood all the time, never saying anything that will make you feel insecure, etc, we're not really able to respond unselfishly in events because our need for security has to be met.

And the next question is how to foster security in spite of negative environment. It has to come from inside and dependent on a source that is constant. I do better when I read my patriarchal blessing consistently, when I'm praying sincerely, and when I'm making positive, disciplined choices in my life, focusing on who's opinion I really care about.

The other option that could explain my general gloom and negativity is the health of my grandma. Uhhhg. It's so hard to watch her be so sick. I empathize way too deeply. I think part of it has to be me feeling lonely coupled with imagining her loneliness right now, sitting alone in a hospital bed for hours without company and twenty-one years a widow, feeling afraid of impending pain and even death, wondering how everything is all going to go down. And maybe these are all very appropriate thoughts for this Easter season because I'm reminded of the miracle of what Christ endured in the Garden of Gethsemane. I can't comprehend baring even the pain of two people. I can scarcely navigate through my own heartaches. *Sigh*

I'm way too deep in my head right now. I need some wildly engaging social interaction. Whew. How 'bout a party next Saturday for my birthday? Maybe that would be a good idea.