The Circling Drain Effect

*Btw, I didn't ask the girls (Malia and Kate) to pose for a picture; this is just what happens when they see you pull a camera out.)

Yesterday, while Christina and I were sewing skirts for a stake event, Malia dramatically announced, "I'm going to die!" When I nonchalantly agreed, "Yes, eventually you will," she was taken back. "I'm not really going to die, Sarlot. I was sus kinning." I thought I better not argue with her.

*Pictured above is Grandma Gray on the left and Aunt Edna on the right at grandma's house in Mapleton the Christmas of 2006.

It seems like I've spent a lot of time at hospitals the last 18 months and there have been many people passing away in my life. Thankfully, none have been young but ripe with age. I had a cousin in California, Linda, who hung on to life for months as her trips to the hospital became more frequent and longer in duration. Eventually, she needed a respirator to keep on. The time I spent at the hospital during that period, I was usually just stroking her hair and singing to her or telling her stories. (For those of you who know Linda, this was quite unusual to be around her and be the one telling the stories. She's always been that relative who can corner you and talk you queasy.) It was interesting to watch her slip away over those weeks. At first she seemed panicked. Then she seemed tired. Fatigue progressed to a calm acceptance and then she went into a deep sleep (aided by medication) for several days and was gone. At age 91, my Aunt Edna passed away just months ago after the same laundry list of ailments the old go through before they die: swollen legs, congested heart, digestion problems, etc. (Aunt Edna was more like a grandma because she never married and stayed living in the same home my grandmother was raised in. Their mother passed away when grandma was just thirteen and Edna practically raised grandma and became our grandma too.)

Dr. Myers talks about a "Circling Drain Effect" as people start to loose their health in their age. I imagine one of those big coin funnels at the mall that are so fun to launch pennies down. The coins will sweep around the top slowly for a long time and then build speed as they drop lower into the bowl. They're just a blur as they race around the bottom of the funnel before they *ker-plunk!* through the hole. With cells that don't rebuild as a youthful body's would, the aged take a lot of time to heal and while one thing is healing another thing is braking down. Eventually, it seems they are doing more braking down than healing because their body can't keep up.

*Me and Grandma Lundell, Benjamin, UT, 2006

When my Grandma Lundell was admitted to the hospital last night with swollen legs, internal bleeding and severe chest congestion, I didn't feel afraid she was going to die but I grieved to realize she was circling the drain. I get that this is the beginning of the end. I'm reminded that she is 83 and failing and circling the drain. Sad. Last night I was counting all the reasons she needs to stay but realized she doesn't need to but I need her to. She doesn't need more time with me or need me to come do chores at the house; I need more time with her and I need the "blessing of serving" her. And then there is always the chicken coop I'm building and all the knowledge she has yet to endow me with on raising chickens. I respectfully submit my request to keep grandma around a period of time longer. Please.

I just got a new job and things have been clicking well these last few weeks. You know the weeks where you feel like things couldn't go more inconveniently worse? Well, mine have been the exact opposite. I'm having a moment where you see the purpose in everything and feel like you're where you are for specific reasons and that feels good. I'm sooooo excited for this summer and all the great things I'm becoming engaged in. I'm so happy to be home to spend time with my grandmothers and return to where we left off when they used to babysit me while my mom was at work. I wonder if Eric and I will still fight over who gets what place mat at lunch time. Hahahaha! (Eric, you remember? I still claim the Muppets one!) On top of it all, I have my mom for a roommate and it's not really too bad at all! (I'd obviously prefer to be married and sharing a house with my husband but I can be patient! =) I'm going to love this summer, no matter what, because I'm here and that is awesome!