Divorce?

Oh, Divorce! You touch me with pain from both your presence and your absence.

I learned very sad, heartbreaking news that my friend is going through a divorce. He couldn't even say the word. He just stumbled over "it's not going to... it's not going so... it's going that way" and he had to look away and stop talking between words to fight back the emotion. I wanted more than anything to throw my arms around him in some pathetically insufficient form of comfort and I felt to sob and beg for him not to give up. Of course, I know nothing of the circumstances. I know none of the whys or the reasons. But it seems too early... rather, they both seem too good to let it go now. Within this circle of friends, three others have gone through a divorce (two, now married to someone else).

Why the divorces? Having recently "dated" (applying the term "dated" very loosely) a guy who has been divorced and hearing his commentary on the ordeal, I wonder what really went wrong. In this case, there were no easily understandable factors such as: She cheated. She walked out. She was physically abusive. It was more of a laundry list of annoyances and inconveniences and misunderstandings. He regrets the divorce but claims he couldn't have stopped it once the ball was rolling. Now he suffers through the pain of it almost by proxy as he watches a sibling start turning down that road of divorce as well as a close friend. And all for the the same reasons: "She's mean." "She's cold." "She's impatient."

I'm not so naive to think that divorce isn't positive and necessary in some cases. And "being married" doesn't really mean much without heart- a small word that I hope conveys a lot. Heart-commitment, heart-devotion, heart-loyalty, etc. My own parents seem to avoid and head off divorce like not going through with the legality of it is some sort of achievement in spite of the fact that their relationship has almost no resemblance of a marital one. Certainly not externally viewed and from what I can judge of the internal aspects, not that either. (Of course, this is only my perspective and I can't really be a judge of what is right or wrong for someone else).

What enabled Sullivan Ballou such great capacity to love his wife Sarah as he so "deathlessly" did? It can't be just who she was. It also has to do with who he is. What enabled Joseph of Egypt the capacity to love his brothers as he so passionately did? It OBVIOUSLY had more to do with who Joseph was then what his brothers did to earn it. *Sigh*


I look at my ex-boyfriend and his almost childlike capacity to love without conditions. He loved me aside from how I treated him or how mean or cold I could be. He had a firm grip on who he was and whose he was and what he had to offer. Nothing I did would shake him from this security. Love survives someone's tantrums and even hurtful words.


I think divorce is happening so much now because people are dependant on their partner for that validation and security and when the other person gets ugly, they are on their heels in self-protection using all the flaws of the other to justify the turning off of their own heart.

MY SOAPBOX SOLILOQUY: Our ability to love increases as we become unselfish. NOT unselfish in the way of 'with grit and determination being self denying.' But unselfish in the way of 'having no need to seek your own needs (be they the need to feel loved, validated, respected or anything else) because they are already provided for,' Provided by an omnipotent God and Father, the fruits of a nurtured relationship with him. Selfishness isn't even useful.

Ahem. And now I have song. The lyrics I love most are written below. I especially love, "You love until you don't." Because that is just it: You don't love until someone ruins it for you. You are the one who stops loving. And the reasons you stop loving are sometimes self-serving.

This is how it works:
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe until their dying breath

This is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into someone else's heart
Pumpin' someone else's blood
And walkin' arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again



Disclaimer: I feel like I just said a lot about something I have very little experience with and know very little about. They're just thoughts and I'm sure there is much that could have been said better and there is probably a lot of missing perspective. That's all.