"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"

I went to church alone today (Mom and Ryan were at a "farewell") and chose the empty second row to sit in. After the sacrament had been passed, a little freckled face girl showed up by my side and quietly whispered, "Can I sit by you?" (Undoubtedly, her mother sent her my way.) Of course I was tickled to have the company of such a sweet little thang. Moving my scriptures aside and pulling her up on the bench, I leaned down and asked her her name. Either annoyed I didn't know or disbelieving I didn't know, she answered back in exasperation, "Morgan! *duh*" She immediately offered for inspection a telescope she had made out of the program, rolled up and clenched in her little fingers. It was a mighty fine telescope. Eventually she found interest in my journal and colored pencils... and the rest of the meeting consisted of little Morgan telling me all about the people she was drawing in my journal:

(Of course, I'm not hard to pick out. I'm the one with the orange hair. Morgan is the purple-haired one next to me.)

The topic of the meeting was eternal families. And having a little bopper sitting next to me coloring I think was responsible for how emotional I started feeling listening to the speakers.

I'm very content and happy. Yet I occasionally weep at the end of the day as I'm finishing scriptures and prayer, getting into bed... I just start weeping. Even though I've spent the whole day feeling happy and joyful. But the weeping feels good. And I don't try to stop it or talk myself out of it. I just let it out.

Isn't this true: No matter what, EVERYONE has something to weep for. And if I remember correctly, the ability to weep is a gift of the spirit. Morrie Schwartz allotted himself a set amount of time to cry every morning as he gradually succumbed to Lou Gehrig's Disease. When the crying was over he moved on with the rest of his day. Our lives have tragedies. Pains that can't be explained away. They just are. And with perspective we learn how to be accepting of them.

I had this weird thought during the gospel doctrine lesson today: Imagine Adam and Eve in their confrontation with God after partaking of the fruit. Their heads are hung low in a somber spirit as God explains to them what's going to happen now that they have been disobedient and what they're going to feel and go through. And then Adam and Eve make a covenant with God in response to their desire to be obedient and return to him, feeling willing to do anything. With that, they turn and walk out of the garden. Just outside of the garden, Adam steps on a sharp thorn and grabs his foot, whooping aloud as he feels physical pain for the first time... the sharp kind of pain that takes your breath away. Can you imagine that? What were the stream of thoughts that came after that? Was it frightening to have a glimpse into what pain was? Did he begin to despise himself for his weakness in partaking of the fruit? Did the full force of what had just transpired in the garden suddenly bludgeon him? Did the covenant he made to be obedient seem a little more out of reach? Or did he feel any less willing to keep that covenant? Whatever his thoughts, we know he pushed through them and was obedient to God.

This thought reminded me of repentance. How I'm like Adam and Eve. Mess up. Feel bad. Commit to be better. And then feel scalped naked with the truth of how difficult it is to be obedient and exactly how difficult it is to wade through pain, if not physical, spiritual.

Our teacher asked why it is important to teach about the atonement when we teach about the fall. But I felt the answers he and the class came up with didn't cut it. That it was just words without feeling.

"And the Lord spake unto Adam, saying: Inasmuch as thy children are conceived in sin, even so when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good."

To me, the answer is this: The fall shows us that we do not need to despise ourselves when we FALL; that weaknesses and failings are all part of the plan and the atonement is there to finish out the equation. The answer is joy. What equals joy? Fall+Atonement=Joy

For by the water ye keep the commandment; by the Spirit ye are justified, and by the blood ye are sanctified;

Therefore it is given to abide in you; the record of heaven; the Comforter; the peaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgement.

And now, behold, I say unto you: This is the plan of salvation unto all men, through the blood of mind Only Begotten, who shall come in the meridian of time.

So during sacrament meeting I fought back tears. Thinking about family and having Morgan next to me. Understanding things I've wanted to understand and knowing messages were prepared for me. I so desperately want my family. And I mourn for my weaknesses that may or may not keep me from having them. But I am so blessed by God's tender mercies and the changes I see in me. Life really is throwing us curve balls consistently, is it not?

"...weeping: they shall go, and seek the Lord their God." Jeremiah 50:4

"Therefore also now, saith the Lord, turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning.

And rend your heart, and not your garments, and repent, and turn unto the Lord your God; for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and he will turn away the evil from you." Joel 2:12-13