Sleepless

I can't sleep. Was the season premiere of Project Runway too thrilling, I can't calm down? Am I too excited about my new heels? (I did wear them with my pajamas all around the house tonight.) Is the thrill of designing a wedding dress keeping my thoughts too astir? Or is my work life beginning to get complicated and I don't know what to make of it? Nah.

I occasionally have sleepless nights these days... anxiety meets up with me in bed even though I consciously quiet all my thoughts. Surely, teeming just below my consciousness are thoughts I don't know how to quiet. Am I making fast enough progress in my life to yield adequate satisfaction? Are the patterns I'm noticing in my decision-making reason to scream out for help or just something to observe as part of my personality? Am I spending too much money on clothes? ('No', would always be the answer to that one.) Am I too content with my station in life? (It's odd that when the discontent progresses to contentment, I become discontent about my contentedness.) Such are the concerns I suspect to be keeping me wired right now.

I asked off at work for the weekend of the 30th to drive back to California with my mom and move all my belongings here to Utah. Honestly, I think it will be an emotional weekend. When I left California, I didn't expect to be gone longer than a month. Here I am, almost four months later. When I leave this time, I'll have no ties bringing me back there. No inviting bedroom with all my familiar belongings; no school credits to complete; no job waiting for me to come back. I'll have to create the opportunities if I want to go back. School is over and now I'm to the part of my life that supposedly I've put years of preparation in to live. And that does feel good. It feels good that I can flutter and flit to whatever landscape suits me; linger there if I want or fly onto something else. I'm so unattached. But I don't want to get stuck here in Utah because I don't imagine this place yielding all the opportunities that I want. And maybe that's why I'm awake right now.