no more drugs

I'll never forget the summer of 2005. With complaints of headaches and poor sleeping patterns, I consulted my doctor about getting some blood work done to get a handle on these annoying problems that were beginning to seriously interfere with my school work. When I left his office with samples of Zoloft in my hands and a diagnosis of "anxiety/depression," I didn't understand what just happened. (The beginning of my story makes one suspicion clear. Doctors can be entirely too anxious- no pun intended- to prescribe anti-depressants to patients.)

From where I stood, this illness and these drugs were not for me. I chose, instead, to loosen my school schedule, work on healthier lifestyle habits, and I began taking yoga classes.

Three years later- and three years of experiences later- I did start taking an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). First, Lexapro and then the generic of Zoloft, Sertraline. It was a humbling step, a necessary step, and a helpful step. Three years of managing this propensity toward depression and anxiety without medication was marked by prolonged periods of great success. I moved forward with my life goals including graduating from BYU with admirable success and miraculous experiences. But there were hard times.

To those who don't understand anxiety and depression, this might help you:

Depression: On my best days, when I'm ahead in school, on top of my finances and feel loved by everybody, I may randomly feel the need to cry. But not for any specific reason or catalyzing thought pattern. I vividly remember days in the HBL Library trying to read and having a hard time because my eyes kept watering and it was all I could do not to cry. There was nothing amiss in my life. I had things to look forward to. I just felt like crying like a person with the flu feels like vomitting. You can't "think it away."

Anxiety: Before I stand up to speak in church, my heart pounds. I'm sure that people can see my pulse beating through my neck. I get short of breath and feel weak and nauseated. Anxiety feels like this. The difference is it happens often totally at random. The first response to this physical reaction is to figure out what is wrong. But when nothing is actually wrong, it can drive a person crazy! Over time, I have learned to recognize these feelings when they come for what they are and not respond emotionally to them. I guess I could compare it to a prolonged asthma attack. You just have to focus on being calm and patiently wait for it to subside.

I started medication because I had exhausted all other solutions to successfully manage this problem (including therapy) drug free and felt it was the next step and only hope I had. After being on it for only 5 months, I have tappered off of it. I'm four weeks clean. =) And I'm proud of myself. I tappered off my medication for a few reasons. Number one, because I felt like it muted the happy feelings too, and not just the sad. Number two, it took a bite out of my ambition and made me feel a little more passive than I prefer. (Which makes another thing clear: God knows exactly what weakness to give his children to serve them the best.)

This topic is so deeply personal. The state of our feelings and our emotional responses to things are influenced by as much outside of ourselves as inside. I share these thoughts to educate others and to be purely authentic. The truth is, I love who I am. Sure, I annoy myself sometimes (probably not as much as I annoy other people) but at the end of the day, I love what makes me me. I love that I'm analytical and fiesty. I love that I have red hair.

I'm sure glad that I'm healthy in so many other ways. And I'm glad I have a "physical handicap" because it helps me better relate to people with health issues beyond their control. I love that my life hasn't been super rosey. I've got "hard-knock cred" (like street cred, but not). And since I'm aware that some people would judge those that deal with this harshly, I just want to offer myself up for judgement. That's all. You don't like it? Deal with it. (See, I'm so annoyingly feisty!)